Feeling Life or not?


I tend to get a bit frustrated from time to time, at everything. Ever since I had open heart surgery 2 1/2 years ago, my life has been a total upside down wreck. I have since then been tied to no less than 7 medications I have to take, daily. Now for some people that might seem like a walk in the park. Seven, shoot, I take that in one sitting some may say, multiple times a day, but for me, someone who never had to take anything more than tylenol on any given day, this is a LOT to be given as a life sentence. Heart medications, cholesterol medications, blood thinners, vitamins and medicines I have to take just to keep my health at a level where I can possibly live a few more years, without having to have another heart surgery. Another surgery, yep, that is something I have already been told I will have eventually. Whether it be in five more years or ten, but it will happen because as the doctors say, it is in my dna, my health history is already pre-written for my life, even if I try to eat healthy and exercise, take my meds, it will still happen again. If that isn't frustrating enough, I also take medicines for PTSD (from my surgery), anxiety and depression. When I take those meds, I get real 'chilled out', relaxed to the point where I just don't 'care' anymore. I used to get so mad, so upset about anything that others would do around me that was stupid or wrong and would speak up, sometimes rather loudly, sometimes very angrily. I also 'felt' life to its fullest. Happiness, laughter, sadness, anger, the whole nine yards. But, on the medicine, I just don't 'feel' as much. I don't 'care' as much if anything happens around me, my thoughts about how things should happen or be, are just blah, oh well, ok, whatever, no take on situations, good or bad. The really bad side of that is that I don't live life the way I should or need to or would like to, I just sort of slide by with a nothigness kind of feeling and don't care one way or another if something happens or not (in life in general). So from time to time, I quit taking all of my medications, for days at a time. I know that I am risking my health not taking my blood pressure medications or my cholesterol medications and not taking my anxiety meds can also send me into a serious anxiety attack that most people have no idea to deal with. I know I am taking those risks but I hate not feeling. I love to feel. Feeling is real. Feeling is life. Feeling gives me hope that all is not lost in this world, in my own life and in the lives of others. Feeling is everything. So many people don't feel or don't care to feel or just don't care period, but I do and as strange as it might seem, I LOVE feeling. I don't care what it is I feel, saddness, fear, happiness, love, whatever it is, I love to feel cause then I KNOW I am alive and still in this life with something to give and do, rather than just flow by, just looking at life through a looking glass or through a bubble, hoping to see a glimpse of something to spark my imagination. So if you have not guessed as of yet, no, I have not taken my meds again for several days. But I am loving the creative side of me that is coming out, the loving and happy side, the sad and incomprehensible side of me, that I can see on every given day. Most people can't take ME, the way I am and most people will just dismiss me and have nothing to do with me or look at me like I am strange, but so what, who cares? I feel alive. Now, I know, here in a few days I will need to take my medicines again soon because my blood pressure will start getting out of control, my anxiety will hit me with an attack that only a few people around me will know how to deal with, I will get so depressed I will be seriously contemplating suicide, so I will know, when crying throughout the day for no reason and not having PMS, feeling alone when I am surrounded by all those who love me but sadder than I have been in a long time, I will need to take my medicines for a few days so it gets in my system good again, maybe for a week, maybe and then slack back off of them again. So yes, I definitely get frustrated, because I am tied to medicines that make me, 'not feel' for the rest of my life and that does not seem like much of a life, but without the meds, I will have a much shorter life, so what are you to do? If I knew, I would already be doing it, other than what I am doing currently, on again, off again, just to 'feel' for a little while.

Comments