Not That It Matters

You know, not that this matters, but nothing much really matters anymore, to anyone, unless they have a stake in what the results of what is happening or being done. Nothing. Not in friendships, not in relationships, nada. We live in a life that is just day to day living, for others and I so often think, what am I getting from this?

I love life but life is often so hard that I wonder why we are put in so many troubles and strife and why we are put through anguish, pain, 'karma' so to speak, or any of what we have to go through, just to get to the ending point, to die. Yeah, it sounds morbid, it sounds like I don't care about life but that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is most everyone else doesn't care about how their actions, their lives, their words, anything that THEY do, affects anyone else, only how it affects THEM. I'm guilty too, many times over. Wondering what am I going to get from doing this or saying that. So why continue to suffer or put others through suffering, because of our own lives? We love others and that, if true, will continue on, whether we are here or not. We have those we don't want to lose or disappoint or we have faith that tells us, dictates our lives on how we should live now, what we should do now, on blind faith.

That is a BIG pill to swallow cause the truth is, there isn't much else in our lives that we do on blind faith. Do we do a job thinking, it will be okay, they will pay us, even if we don't know if it will be true or not? If so and we don't get paid, how many times would we continue to do jobs, with that same kind of blind faith? We get jaded, hurt, become cold, uncaring to the worlds plight and its/their plees for us to help, trust, just give, without knowing the outcome.

So why are we supposed to live a life for others, always, to do for others, always, to make others happy, always, and leave our own happiness behind, in the dust, forgotten about, just to ensure that everyone but ourselves, live a happy, fulfilled, satisfactory, life? While all the while, we live unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfactory and on top of that, on pins and needles with wondering if we may be upsetting another just by speaking a certain way or certain words, by making a certain move, even if it is a turn in our chair, or trying to live a life that makes us happy, even a little bit, only to have those things snatched away and put away and on the forever back burner, because someone else needs to be given our time and attention ?

Maybe this sounds ridiculous, maybe it makes sense, maybe its mumbo jumbo or maybe it is the truth or a truth that isn’t wanted to be heard or spoken, maybe this sounds like crazy talk, but I can bet your bottom dollar that one in ten people, or even more, have had these same thoughts and feelings but have been afraid to say anything, or at least anything out loud, out of fear of who might hear or who might retaliate, firing back with harsh words that cut to the bone, taking away everything from them, every bit of power, energy, every bit of life that is left of their own.

So many lives live in this balance of imbalance, more than anyone could ever count. We are told to count our blessings and to think positive and be positive and live positive and I am one of the biggest preachers of such types of words and thoughts and I often feel like a hypocrite because I myself, live in a life that is just a little bit shy of the daylight, a little bit shy of true happiness, a little bit shy of living a life full of dreams come true, a little bit shy of living, life.