I Did Not Realize; Man Does Time Fly!

I honestly had no idea that it had been almost two years since I had last written in my blog. A lot has gone on since I wrote last and I'm just not sure where to start. I believe the last thing that I wrote was that I had had open heart surgery only a few months before. Things had been slowly but surely getting better for me. I have had two heart cath's since then but according to the doctors, it will be expected for me to have problems since "I have a history for it"; yeah, thanks yall!

My memory was doing somewhat better and my anxiety and blood pressure was finally starting to get under control, of course with the inclusion of some heavy medications, of which I am still on to be at least somewhat normal on a daily basis. Then, we took the wild hair idea that we should move again after having been in the same place for nearly 5 years. That was almost the longest we have been somewhere without having moved. We really liked it there, but it was on a main road and with a grand baby to think of, and the water being what it was, we decided, why not. We had the chance to buy a piece of property, decent acreage and that was all fine and dandy, until of course the realtor screwed us over and we got left having to make a hard decision. Walk away or keep dealing with the harsh conditions we had been living under. Well, its not that the conditions were 'harsh'...but they were not easy. We were all living in campers on the property, with a homemade shower that mike and michael david had come up with and made for us. It was actually pretty neat and since it was summer, it was a pretty awesome idea; except, again, that we had to carry water in big 55 gallon and 30 gallon jugs to have water there to wash, do dishes, make tea; anything really. We had a port a potty brought in so that was ok; they took good care of it weekly so that was ok. But the fact that the guys were all making killer money doing lawncare and landscaping and we weren't seeing any kind of profit because we spent so much just to get by for gas for the generator, food, ice, more gas and whatever else was needed, on a daily basis. You never know how much you take for granted until you no longer have it or you have to struggle to have it on a daily basis. Now, on the upside the camping was pretty fun. We had solar lamps and a single lamp to use for night time. We had our laptop to watch movies on which was ok and we lived close enough to be able to go to town to get most of what we needed or wanted any day of the week. Mike thought it would be good for me. My stress levels had been getting high again and my anxiety was keeping me from being social with anyone or wanting to go anywhere. He figured, maybe this would relax me and help me get back into the swing of things and into the swing of life. I did that, partially. I definitely relaxed but my anxiety did not get a whole lot better and if it weren't for the fact that I wanted internet to get online, I would have never went to town with a grocery store, gas station, dollar store, post office AND laundry store, only a half mile away. Yeah...I was still being quite a bit of a hermit. I was still not allowed to drive or go anywhere or stay anywhere by myself...So in a lot of ways, it wasn't a whole lot better, except with the ability to actually rest and relax a bit more. I do love country life and looking up at the stars. Love it!

So, once we got messed over there by the realtor, by not keeping to his part of the real estate agreement, we ended up walking away from there near the end August or September of 2013. Our kids had already found a place and got moved in. Once they did that we knew we could move on our selves and see where we could or should move on to from there. We went up to his twin sisters house temporarily and a few weeks later we were on our way to work on the hubby's truck, on October 18, 2013, we got slammed by an idiot woman driver on I-581/220 S before you would get off the exit ramp for peters creek road. She turned us and we ended up flipping multiple times till we ended up landing in the median, facing the North facing traffic. Michelle and Chuck got whiplash and shook up a bit, they got released pretty soon from being at the hospital, but me and mike, well we got scraped up pretty good. Neither one of us were wearing our seat belts (in the back seat at that), I got flipped around so much I ended up hitting something (we are thinking to roof maybe or my straw from my cup of tea,, that ended up in the front passengers lap) having blood spew from the right side of my nose and I could hardly move my left arm it hurt so bad. I believe I blacked out during part of the accident, but I'm really not sure. I do remember hearing it 'crunch' multiple times, thinking we were going to die for sure. When we stopped I thought mike was going to die. He was hurt so bad but hadn't even moved in the vehicle. He broke several vertebrae and several ribs in his back and tore his left rotator cuff. It has taken him a long time to get back to semi normal health to this point and he still has to have surgery on his rotator cuff probably sometime next month. Then another six months of recovery. Its has been a hard road to semi living since the accident and it does not help my anxiety has gotten the best of me many days, depression to the point of wanting to commit suicide and just a lack of interest in life and thinking how friggen fair is it to have all this happen to us, I mean really? I know karma is a pretty cruel bitch but on the most part in our lives, we have always tried doing for others, whether it be feeding an extra (or many extra) meals, money when needed, far and beyond what most people would do for others and yet still, I end up having open heart surgery and told it will more in likely happen again in the next few years cause it did for my dad and he died at such an early age (65 I believe it was, when I was 19), then our accident. We have been poor most of our lives, money wise. Only because we have chose to be so if that makes any sense and plus, when we did have money, we put it on our kids or others and only spoilt ourselves a little bit but usually just took care of life and the bills. Fun fun we are! We are definitely due for a very big break in our lives cause on the most part, it has not been easy.

I guess I'm still debating on life itself lately cause it definitely has not been easy the last few years and even between me and the hubby life has not been the best. We have a lot of good times,a few great times and a LOT of bad times too. He can be a bit controlling at times and my feelings often get hurt, especially with my mindset on any given day; although I do need to give him the a lot of kudo's cause so far, he has been the only one who knows how to deal with me when I have my anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. I don't have any friends, or any I could say I could turn to anytime, not really. I have plenty of people who care for me, sure, but so many people are concentrating on their own lives trying to get by, that often they do not realize they are not being there for their friends the way they truly need. Now me, hardly anyone I know, can say I haven't been there for them when they needed me, ....unless my hubby has said no, stay away from them or don't talk to them, which has only happened a few times but, I guess it has always been his way of trying to protect me, even though most people have seen it as over controlling. I dunno.

Ok, well I think I am basically caught up for now. I know there is more I could write because I have so much going on in my head on any given time or day and years to play catch up on. My life has been like one hell of a book, lots of ups and downs and so much more. But for now, I think I am going to go and I will try to be back soon again because writing, well it just makes me feel better, even if no one or hardly anyone reads it :-) :-) Till we meet again!! <3