The Unknown

Its been a long time since I have even thought about writing anymore. I was on medications that did what I called 'dimmed' my thought processes and my creativity. I haven't been on those medications for a month or more now, I took myself off of them, when 'the system' decided I wasn't worthy of their considerations of letting me know my doctor was no longer around. Sounds like BS to me and it got me thinking, maybe if they don't care that I need my doctor, maybe I don't need those meds. I have found that is not necessarily true as of late, but I am going to fight my demons for as long as I can.

Have you ever wondered if ANYONE is true to you? Does anyone speak the truth, even if they know you might not like it? Is there anyone out there who accepts people for who they are, no matter how they are, whenever they are, just because that is the right thing to do? Why is it that life and people are like that? Why is it that in life, everyone has to be judged for anything and everything they are and everything they do?

I mean really...in this life, whose life is our lives anyways? Is it truly ours and if it is, then why does it feel as if we cannot live our lives the way we feel we should, without feeling as if anyone else believes we are living wrong? How is it that anyone else should have the right to tell us how to live, when, how, where, with who, with what. How is what we want to do, what we feel is right, what/who we love or want to love, can be wrong for us, if WE feel it is right for us? How in the living hades should anyone, ANYONE else, have the right to tell us we are wrong, unless we are truly doing something morally wrong; aka, hurting another physically or taking another person's / things, life, physically, mentally, etc.

So, that being said, I have been thinking about my own life lately and wonder what I can do, to live true to my ownself and would I be willing to put myself out there with my own free will choices, knowing I will be rejected by some, judged by many, pushed away by many and accepted by those rare few....

I love my husband, but he can be a real ass. Now don't get me wrong, he will do whatever I ask of him, within reason, BUT, we have our major share of problems and the biggest ones are that I don't believe he truly respects me or believes in me. Its more like he tries to treat me like a child and like a person who should do as he says the way he see's fit, just because he believes only he is right, about everything, including me and my life. I so wished that he would give me more attention, in the ways I truly crave him to do so, but mentioning the things that I want, just get basically blown off unless I do what is considered 'bitching' over and over and who the hell wants someone to feel as if they 'have' to do something kind and loving for you and even when that happens, it only lasts for a few minutes and should be remembered for the rest of your life that it happened????

My husband does spoil me in his own way. He rarely tells me no about anything, Its a very rare occasion that he won't do something I ask. He either has to be in real real pain or broke (if it takes some money to take care of it), to not do or take care of something I ask about. Sometimes he does hesitate or takes some time to get to something I 'want' but he will try to do what I ask. He is a rare one and I do love him more than I can even describe...There are not enough words, not enough emotion, not enough of a lifetime, to say or explain how much I love him.

But, there are many times it feels as if I am a nobody, around everybody. Like I am replaceable and easy to forget about, easy to ignore, easy to not care about, the way I do them. I love too much, too hard, too long, too easily; I get hurt very easy, my feelings seem to explode often in my head and my heart making my whole body and mind hurt, when I feel as if those whom I am close to and I am trying to speak with or get close to at that moment, acts like the conversation we are having is just...whatever...easily left at the last "."...That not only is excruciating, it is confusing, mind blowing, the emotions that come from the thoughts from the next moments reel in my mind making me wonder why I am even around, who truly cares...how much do they care...is it as much as I do or am I just...me...

YES, I have depression, anxiety, ptsd and bipolar II...which I am sure when combined with different occasions and emotions and each other can cause me to become one hell of an emotional wreck. My husband, so far, has been the only one who can truly deal with and comfort me in my times of emotional breakdowns but I dearly wish that was not the case. He holds so much of the burden of me, who I am, what I am, what I do and that is not fair to him. There are times though, he just does not understand, like no one else I have ever met has, what is going on with me, in my mind, with my emotions, my feelings, my life and I'm sure that in itself, drives him a bit crazy, as if I don't already do that to him as it is.

But I'm still not known, not truly known, deep down and that makes me sad cause I know no one has truly tried to really and truly try to get to know me more than what they have cause for most people the thinking is, "I know all I need to know don't I?"...uhhhh no...but maybe it is all you WANT to know, so I guess in your case, saddeningly, yes.

So, stepping away from the overprotecting husband into the world I want to know, taking steps slowly, in fear of falling without having him right there to catch me, just cause I need to know I can stand on my own and pick myself back up when I fall, I will take baby steps to find me. I'm not talking about physically walking away or emotionally, from him...but metaphorically walking away to find myself, enough so to see if the things I truly want and want to experience, are what i want and want to learn from.

So here we go, a new journey in this life...wish us luck...my heart, my mind, my body and soul 

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