I had emergency bypass surgery on 9-2-12, The only job I had for the last three years was an online at home job with Demand Studios.com and then in February 2012, a bunch of us got laid off. I cannot handle standing up for long periods of time (say over 10-20 minutes) without being in severe pain and I need naps/sleep often because of my medicine and since my surgery I have noticed a severe problem with my short term memory loss. Usually during the day my memory can stay in tact but often I will forget from the morning to the evening and very often from day to day. It literally scares the heck out of me because I was literally considered a 'smart aleck' before my surgery and my meds and now, I cannot even think on my feet with numbers the way I used to without a lot of patience and even then I get very tired if pushed and frustrated to try to come up with answers and sometimes it frustrates me so much cause I can't come up with the answers without prompts or help/assistance. This has been very demeaning and problematic and I get depressed easily because of those issues. I hope that someone can help me/us. Thank you.
I get online, mostly out of boredom anymore. We play games (multiple computer household lol) or read articles (me) and sometimes I share posts that i think are amazing or beautiful or just crazy and worth the share. I get online to see/talk to my daughter and few other select people but rarely have any other interaction on here with others, which makes me sad and wonder...If I rarely got on here anymore, facebook or otherwise, who would truly miss me being around. This world has become so cold and lonely, even in a room or area full of people. My hubby hugs me and calls me his lil naive person because I still try, hard as I might, to my own pain and demise, to care for people, even though most people still think of themselves first and often, only themselves or their lives and do not think twice how their actions affect anyone else. me, I have always tried to do something to help others; to make anothers life better. Whether it be by looking something up for them, searching for them, writing for them, doing taxes for them, going somewhere if asked to, for them, doing for others, just because it is right and IF I can, I do whatever I can, when I can, just because. I tell myself that i have no ulterior reason for what I do, but I am lying to myself. My ultimate ulterior reason, is that I WANT others to want to do the same for me and for others. To DO for others, because it is right; because it is the right thing to do, because it feels good to do so, because without doing good for others and seeing the light shine in others because you have made their life better, how in hades can life be ok? How can life be ok WITHOUT having made anothers life a better place to be? But I don't or rarely see it in others. We do, we care, we share, with what we have, when we can, as we can, and we are NOT rich by any means, except with love for each other and the goodness for in which we do for others that makes us FEEL good, as people, as a couple, in life. It FEELS good and it makes life worth living, sharing, caring, being. I know MOST people I know on my friends list or otherwise, will not see this and most will not even read this if they do see it. IT truly shows me how much time others have for other people and for me or for us. I personally, TRY to stop by to see those people who truly matter on facebook, to see how they are doing, what is going on in their lives, even if it is only once a week, and I do get busy and very tired and in the last month or so, even more depressed with life and all around it. don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband and our marriage. WE are good. BUT, everything else sucks, literally and I have gotten into a rut, with people, with finances, with life, that is making it hard to stay up and care about anything else in life but sleeping or just feeling blah and saying F*it all. Honestly, I have been so depressed I thought what the hell, why have a facebook because there are only a VERY select few that I can name off the top of my head that I knwo care and the only reason I haven't quit on here is because it is the only outlet I have for them beccause they all live so far away from me. And that too, is a damn shame. The ones I am closest to, all live a long ways away and the others whom I do feel close to, don't truly care back the way I do, and my merry go round starts all over again, with the feelings of being inadequate, of being played, of being a JOKE to those whom I care for cause they think why should they contact me, lil ol me, just me, just margo. Why? cause you care? oh yeah, you don't. I forgot. This is not poor pitiful me, it is me getting fed up with caring so much, putting my heart on my sleeve, loving with all of my heart, only to have it kicked around by thsoe whom it has been given to to take care of. Yeah yeah yeah. this is life the way everyone lives now. NO IT ISN"T! I see how others live in other areas and they truly give their all for the ones they love and they stick it out for them. they do for them, they care/love them and they are not afraid to show it. Have I been afraid to show I care for others?
YES I have. Why? Because I have thought that showing I care would only hurt another because of someone else's actions. That if I show up, if I talk to or call, that If I write, that those would be considered 'violations' but the other person and they would end up getting hurt by MY actions and I cannot, CANNOT do that to another. I cannot hurt another because I want to be in their lives. I have to KNOW it is ok to do so before I do it because I would never forgive myself if I knew that my actions would hurt another and i am in no place, financially or otherwise, to be able to help others if they ever got into a position where they needed more than I could give. I would give anything I could but some people need more than we can do for and if I put someone in a position to need those things and couldn't offer them, then what kind of person or friend would I be? Selfish. Only because I wanted that person in MY life and it is obvious by others actions that those few people I speak of, do not want to be in mine. It is their loss. I am not a bad person. I am truly a good person, with a BIG heart and a big heart that gets hurt a LOT. yeah, that is my naivety again shining through. My hubby tries to protect me from that pain. Sheltering me away from those whom he knows will hurt me in the long run because he can 'see' that my heart is out there and that feeling, that love, that caring is not being returned from others. makes me feel like a failure in so much of my life. Do i have friends? A few. Anyone close to me near by. One I think I could count nearby. We aren't close close but I trust her and love her. anyone else? no. Why? because we never talk. we never speak. And it isn't just one person, its the few I have been close to in the last year or two.
Why can't people be more like the children we used to be, just with the added responsibilities? Why? Because people get hurt and instead of forgetting the pain and hurts, like children do, as adults, we choose to hold onto that pain and that anger and carry it with us and not forgive and not move on with / to others. We choose to hide in our own lives and not be a part of others lives and just or own to protect our selves and to make it where if others do not 'fit' into our puzzle of a life, we leave them out of it and shut it off / aside and move on. But as children, we found a way to make all the puzzle parts fit. We found a way to move on and love and care for those who made us made or upset. We loved, unconditionally and completely, wholly and truly. There was not a wishy washy, today then not tomorrow type of feelings. Love was love and that is how it should be. Caring for others is not something that just gets shut off in the human brain. WE do it ourselves, as adults. WE choose to move on and decide to shut out this or that in our lives, this person or that person in our lives, because they no longer 'fit' our life puzzle. yeah, I am pretty much just rolling now here. My thoughts running a mile a minute wondering why and wondering why i am here even caring enough to write it down and wondering who might care enough to read this or reply to it because it is so long or because it is boring or because it is bs in their book and they move on. I wonder truly, would I be missed if I just didn't come back for a while, a day, a week, a month, a year? Who would really and truly read this, miss me and try to find me again, without facebook? Who would want to still be in my life or a part of my life? If I sent this out to all of those whom I truly cared for, would they read it, would they want to try to make our lives a better place for each other or would they just shrug their shoulders and move on? Having a melancholy day? Yeah...Ever since my surgery, I have had a lot of melancholy moments but it has all been leading to this and more. Starting to truly wonder...all this and more...